Parental Advice: The Abdication of Parental Responsibility & The Qualification of a Parent

A person does not become a father or mother by virtue of being a child’s birth parent. A birth certificate certifies a child’s birth but it does not, like a graduation certificate, certify a person qualified to be a parent. Given that when a child is born, the father tends to become more paternal and the mother more maternal, but that is far from the requirements demanded from parents. We might all have varying accounts of who sets those requirements. To some it is God, to others it is the government, and some just set their own standards of what parents are suppose to be. But maybe the one aspect of parenthood that cannot be emphasised more and, if I may argue, is the key responsibility of being a parent is the responsibility of being physically there for their child and imparting moral and civic values to them through discipline, counsel, and being an example. It is being the primary force behind shaping and developing their child’s potential and identity.

In an era where people are becoming more individualistic and busy, parents are abdicating this responsibility to the school, the state and the church. Teachers will agree with me on this. Many parents expect teachers to discipline their children and teach them moral and civic values in the classroom. When their child gets into a fight or picks up bad habits, parents immediately point an accusatory finger at their school teachers and hold them responsible for not doing their job as teachers. True, being a teacher is more than just making sure that students can score well in their examinations but also to ensure that students become socially responsible citizens of the country. But it is one thing to co-partner in this endeavour and another to totally abdicate the responsibility to teachers and then blame them for not fulfilling a role that is primarily the parents’ role in the first place.

Being a parent is more than just ensuring that your child has a roof over their head, have food to eat and clothes to wear, have an education that will ensure them a good job in future so that they can survive on their own. While material provision and education are necessary, this does not define a “parent”. More than just the survival of a child, one should also be concerned about the life of the child. By this I mean developing the child’s character, values and personhood. No matter what, children see their parents or guardians as role models. The presence and involvement of parents in their children’s life, or the lack thereof, contribute greatly to how children develop into adults. Whether a person is assertive or easily influenced, confident or insecure, moral or immoral, loving or abusive, positive in outlook or negative and cynical, is largely dependent on their upbringing. And parents are the primary caregivers of their children. I mean, isn’t that obvious? Isn’t that common sense? And yet, many parents do not see that their role is more than just providing materially for their kids. They have to be the teacher, the counselor, the leader, the friend, the disciplinarian, the support, the security, the anchor.

Teachers (and by extension everyone else) do not have the privileged position of being a parent to a child. There is only so much a child psychologist, school teacher or counselor can do to develop a child or help a child who has been emotionally hurt. Wrongdoing, bad grades, anger, defiance, clamping up, distancing, troublemaking are all just some symptoms of something deeper in a child’s heart. Until parents fulfill their responsibility as the primary caregiver and influencer in their child’s life, no amount of blaming teachers and society for their child’s bad or sociopathic behaviour is going to solve anything.

Unless parents teach their children the right values and model for them these values, children will never be able to overcome the many world views out there crying out for their attention. Without a moral compass and anchor, children will grow up believing in whatever seems right to them or worse, go with whatever that makes them feel good. Unless parents intentionally form deep relationships with their children, children will seek parental love from other people, their grandparents, the domestic helper, their friends, their pets, a girlfriend or boyfriend. At the end of the day, even though parents are the ones who brought their child into the world and fed and clothed them, their child will only be grateful to the ones who bothered to physically be there to listen to their cries and who advised and guided them through problems that they faced in life.

No parent who has not done their best in investing emotionally and intentionally into the intimate life of their child has any right to complain or blame society when their child disobeys them, rebels against them, and eventually abandons them. As I’ve said before, and I say it again, children are the “karma” of their parents. You cannot expect a child, whom you have not taken time to understand, to listen to you without question and obey whatever you ask them to do or not do. Before you can ask your child why he or she does not listen to you, maybe parents should ask themselves if they have proven to their child that they are worth listening to. Parenthood is not a privilege or an entitlement, it is a responsibility. If one has not put in effort to be a parent worthy of their child, then it would be unfair to expect their child to put in the effort to be a submissive and obedient child. We listen and oblige those we love don’t we? Is that not the same for the parent-child relationship? I would obey my parents, not because I have no choice in the matter but because I love them and look up to them as my parents.

One of the ten commandments in the Bible commands us to “Honour our father and mother.” But the Bible also calls parents to not exasperate their children. The issue is not whether children honour their fathers and mothers, but whether or not they even see their birth parents as fathers and mothers. So, if you are a parent, does your child see you as someone who they can model after, who they can share their problems with, and who they can be proud of? Children need their parents to lead, teach and love them in a personal and tangible way. Parents only become parents when their children see them as parents they love and are proud of. If parents abdicate their parental roles and responsibilities to the state or to society then children will begin to acknowledge other people and institutions as their “rightful” parents, and who can blame them for doing so.

It is time for parents to be parents; for fathers to be dads and for mothers to be moms. To do so, sometimes personally sacrifices have to be made. My mother quit her job when I was born to personally take care of me and my father had to carry the burden of providing for the household expenses. And because of that I have a deep, loving relationship with my mom and I enjoy spending time with her whenever I can. And my dad? I have only great respect and love for him for his dedication and love to this family. It might be the case that even after all you have done, your child does not reciprocate in love. But that is something they are accountable for. As a parent, you are only accountable for fulfilling your responsibility as a parent to the best of your ability. Before there were teachers, government officials or religious leaders, there were parents, and they fulfilled all these roles for their child. This has been the case since time memorial, and this hold true for all parents both current and future.

Some parents might challenge me asking, “You’re not even a parent, what do you know about parenting?” To that I respond, I might know nothing about parenting, but I am an child, and I have many friends who are just like your own children sharing feedback about this with me. I may not understand parents, but at the least I understand their children. And as responsible and loving parents should you not be listening to what your children has to say; to find out what they’re feeling, to find out what they think but do not tell you? Parenting is a relationship, that’s why it is tough. Just like the relationship between husband and wife, the relationship between parent and child requires great sacrifice and much time and effort to make it work. So, are you ready to be a parent, all you parents out there?